What am I doing?

Last night, I was looking around the table at my support group, looking at the faces. Some thin, some chubby, some fat. Listening to them talk about complications, and everyday irritations I thought... "What am I doing? Why am I mutilating my body?"

I was truly terrified, and for a brief second, I considered the thought of just not doing it. I mean, hell. My life hasn't been so bad. I've got amazing friends, a great family, and sure.. I'm not able to buy clothes so easily, but I'm happy. Most of the time.

It's like a little knot of fear in the bottom of my belly. Just curled up, absolutely terrified of what I'm about to do to her. I'm going to kill my belly. The cuts and rearranging will come first, but then the slow wasting away. I've done this sorta thing before. Leave friendships and relationships that are bad for me. But this is so different. I never thought I could get rid of her. My belly. We go everywhere together. She's my traveling buddy. How could I ever be lonely with such a soft cuddly friend right there with me all the time. Taking every nasty insult for herself, deflecting it from me, and just absorbing it.

Is that what my fear is? Not the me who writes this blog. But the voice of my life-long friend, my belly. She's not my friend though. She tears at my joints and my back. She unbalances me. She hurts me when I fall. She likes to talk me out of relationships with anyone else. She's always been all powerful in my life. And next week, her death begins. With her death, my life no longer has an anchor dragging behind, slowing me down.

All too often, when I think about this surgery, I look down at my belly, big, round and soft. And I give her a hug. Like I'm looking at a beloved old dog that is about to be put to sleep. Make no mistake though, this is going to be a battle. My belly will fight for her life. She will tear me apart emotionally. She will lie to me, and manipulate me. And I'm not going to let it happen. I will recognize that she's only trying to stay alive, and I will know that my belly can no longer be the domineering relationship in my life.